Tripping
Posted on July 30, 2008, under Uncategorized.
I’m tired. But I’m not usually this tired. At least, not in this fashion.
I mean, it’s naturally acceptable to be tired after some great exertion, especially when your goodwill is a charity to others. And for part of this weekend, that was the case and plentiful explanation for my state temporarily. But this isn’t about that time.
Wherever I walk, my feet anticipate the touch of the earth, the gravelly old concrete, the cracked and pocked bitumen we call roads in this city. My eyes squint to peer through the hazy summer days in a semblance of finding my way. My ears magnify every sound and strive to protect me from what my eyes don’t see, my feet don’t feel.
Lately though, the ground has been harder, my feet find purchase though I wonder belatedly if I’ll stumble. My vision sees but I don’t comprehend the sights and ignore the sounds because my mind has turned my thoughts in upon themselves.
I’m uncertain. Again, a thing in and of itself innocent enough and natural, and a condition I’m more than familiar with throughout my life and often cultivate with others. It’s why I’m uncertain that has worn me down.
It’s disappointment.
There comes a time in everyone’s life where you realize you have to consider your siblings, and later your parents, as not just the sum of childhood and familial memories and ties. As other flawed but caring individuals whom you hope you can continue to interact with on a (usually) mature level and continue to know and love.
But that longing doesn’t always hold true.
I think now the bigger test in life is when those people whom you have known for so long act contrary to all thoughts and beliefs proffered by them throughout your existence. Contrary to how you know they were raised. Contrary to what they had told you hours before.
It’s painful. Realizing there’s been a veil over people you thought you could trust, thinking they understood the stakes involved in their actions. And having that view shattered, repeatedly, within hours.
On the flip side, events like this can actually have positive effects. I’m closer to some I should never have drifted from, and many actions, rhymes and reasons have been made clear.
It’s just the glacial adjustment to emotions and habitual interactions that can tire you so. And in ways you don’t expect.
But as long as I keep adapting I’ll be fine. Change is expected and wanted, even when it trips you on a crack you’ve passed over a million times before.
Of other times
Why do I now commute instead of take the road trips with friends that were so fun because of the adventures I had when dad took us to see new places?
Why should I now worry about appearances when I want to dance with the abandoned concern I learned from my friends and loved ones for so long?
Why does tending to my elders not bring joy of returning the favor of their tidings lavished upon me for so long?
How does the peck on my cheek after work rekindle into that passionately released second date yearning until it burns and quakes me with the sweet ravaged innocence of my first kiss that left me shaking?
How can my heart shed the shadow of my relationships passed and grow to love again with the passion I know I possess and the simple giddy joy of knowing someone else is thinking of me?
How do my regrets return to the checklist of my life’s goals that my dreams of youth distilled into?
When do I make the changes in my life which reflect the happiness I should have?
Where do I start?
Here we go again…
So you’d think that, after all this time, systems and crazy situations I’ve worked on, that I could do something as simple as backup my own database before an upgrade.
Oops.
If I can find an old backup I might restore some of the posts, might not. Heck half of the writing is just for myself anyway as the lack of comments easily shows 
Until then, administrator follow your own SOPs..